About a week ago, the Amazon page for Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears went viral due to the extremely graphic (::read as HILARIOUS::) descriptions left by consumers about the laxative-like qualities of the product. Some buyers describe the product as "Satan's diarrhea," a "colon cleanse," and as "rectal razor blades." One of my personal favorite reviewers states that he/she plans to send a pack of these gummy bears to every member of Congress with his/her "deepest gratitude." (::sarcasm much::) Another reviewer vows to send a pack to every member of the Westboro Baptist Church.
These reviews were so hilarious and gut-wrenching (like the product?) that I decided to go on a quest for additional craziness that the online marketplace must have produced by reviewers ... So without any further ado ... Here is a list of what I consider some of the best Amazon reviews (that I could find in a limited, laid-back, pretty lazy amount of time).
Amazon Products with Amusing Reviews
The reviews for this mystical mystery canned unicorn meat range from disturbingly disgusting to shit-your-pants hilarious.
Personal fave. Reviewer T.R. writes, "I have rarely been happier to see a product like this. After hunting unicorns on my own for decades, I found it was neigh impossible anymore, not in that the crafty bastards are any less prevalent, but because one simply CANNOT find a virgin maiden anymore to entice the unicorn into her lap. This product of farm raised unicorn fill[ed] a needed void."
While there are only a few reviews for this book ... I personally found them amusing and extremely telling about men because (if I am making sweeping generalizations) judging simply by the reviews I read, apparently men would enjoy a good set of CliffsNotes for anything ... INCLUDING THIS. Seriously guys, read something. Anything. Even this.
Personal fave. One Amazon reviewer wrote, in part, "Truth is there isn't anything earthshaking in this book but then again I'm kind of a jedi master when it comes to women so I'm doing all the right stuff already! ... if you asked a dozen females what they thought of the advice in the book, half of them would say they'd be happy if their man tried just ten percent of these ideas! The other half would want to talk about their diesel-powered toy collection, rubber suits, robbing a convenience store for drug money, and so on ..."
Ummmm, not necessarily something to be proud of, but since graduating high school and ending the whole school shopping shenanigans, I've five-fingered-discounted so many pens that buying a box just seems like a foreign concept to me. I mean, come people, let's be honest --- I bank at TD and used Planet Fitness for a good while ... their pens basically ripe their clothes off and scream "take me, I'm yours" ... I can't wrap my head around anyone who would need to buy their pens on Amazon ... or anywhere.
Personal fave. Reviewer nxtfari writes, "These pens are like the one guy at work who's not all that smart, funny, handsome, or fashionable, but will always get the job done on time and without fail. I don't particularly enjoy using this pen, but at least I can always grab one and have it work the first time. And for the price, I can't bash them either."
As far as I'm concerned, I see nothing weird or creepy in people purchasing this product. Nicolas Cage is a godsend to Hollywood. I mean have you seen National Treasure? Or City of Angels? Or It Could Happen To You? ... I can't. I just can't.
Personal fave. Reviewer cornish_breeze writes of the excellent purchase, "I purchased this realistic Nicolas Case pillow case with the intent of inserting my own pillow and storing it on my chair. I can now sit on Nicolas's face when ever the urge arises with out being put on some kind of register, unlike in real life where said register forbids me from entering a 1000 yard radius anywhere near Mr cages vacinity or 'The Plaintiff' as he is referred to on said document."
I will now answer the question you've been asking yourself forever - yes, you can buy uranium ore on Amazon ... But I can't guarantee you won't end up on some FBI/CIA watch list, as well as some no-fly list ... So, personally, I'd stick to calling your friends in the chemistry lab at the local university when you feel like you really need the stuff ...
Personal fave. Donald E. Miller writes, "Finally, cheap effective birth control for men! I just make sure to keep my new good luck charm in my pocket with me for a day or two every week. So far, so good! No more letters from Maury Povich requesting my appearance on his show for paternity tests. I also think this works for S.T.D's. Has so far any way! So DEFINITELY BUY THIS PRODUCT!!!!!! Plus I have my own night light, I'll never hear, 'WRONG HOLE!' Again!"
So there you have a it, just of few of some of the many strange and funny reviews I found on my quest for Amazon craziness. There is a world of strange on that site, though, so go check it out!
And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. (Iris, Goo Goo Dolls)
