And That's A Wrap!!

     Ladies and Gentlemen ... I have made it through wedding season and survived with only a few scratches and bruises. Ready for the numbers?

     Six weddings, five dresses, four plane rides, two bachelorette parties, one visit to a foreign country, and an insane amount of hair product later ... and I NOW am ready for one long, macarena-free nap.

     After all that, I am ready to provide you with several tips for surviving your very own wedding season ... Whenever that may come along ...

FLATS!

     This one's for the ladies ... FOR REAL. Do not go to a wedding without comfortable shoes in tow. You can go for the shoeless look ... but some venues are not big on the cleanliness scale and you don't want to leave with some fungal infection.

IF THOU DRINKETH, EAT FOOD!

     People, this sounds like a no-brainer ... But apparently it's not! If you plan on drinking at a wedding, do yourself and everyone else a favor, and eat! Eat before you go and at the cocktail hour and at dinner and during dessert and during the after-party. I'm not saying you need to be a glutton ... I'm just saying you should eat a little every few hours so that you are not drinking on an empty stomach ... because, believe me ... It does not lead to happy outcomes.

SINGLE? ... SO WHAT?

     If you are single during wedding season, don't let that get you down! Own it! If you are invited with a date, bring a friend if someone if free. If you are invited on your own, that's fine too! Put on your best dress or your sleekest suit and get out on the dance floor when the music plays. Talk to the people at your table. ENJOY YOURSELF! It's a time to celebrate the couple! Just have fun!

BUDGET, BUDGET, BUDGET!

     If you have a bunch of weddings come up at one time or within a couple of months of each other, you need to understand that the showers, and bachelor(ette) parties, and weddings will take a giant hit on your wallet ... So don't feel like you need to purchase extravagant gifts or give large sums of money to every couple. Give what you can and move on ... A gift comes from the heart and that should be what matters.

LEAVE THE DRAMA FOR YOUR MAMA

     When friends get married, petty drama may come up ... maybe even more-than-petty drama ... But when family members get married, there's potential for HUGE drama to come to the table ... LISTEN, leave that stuff at home! The day is about the couple ... not about how your Aunt Lilly still owes you money or how Cousin Jane stole your boyfriend three years ago and brought him to the wedding today. Just leave all that stuff at the door ... and deal with it at Thanksgiving like everyone else!

     I could go on forever with more ways to survive wedding season (find a dress you can wear more than once ...) but I'm not going to ... Because I'm sure you can do it on your own. I have faith in you! Now go out and conquer that wedding world!

Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married, going to the chapel and we're gonna get married. Gee, I really love you and we're gonna get married going to the chapel of love. (Going To The Chapel Of Love, The Shirelles)

Why I Just Can't With Halloween Anymore

     So, I am about to drop some unpopular opinion on you right now ... This 27-year-old just can't with Halloween anymore ... and here's why ... in convenient list form (which I know you've come to appreciate).

1) October tends to be cold. Costumes tend to be tiny ... Like this one.

*** Side note: This girl will definitely get ebola ***

2) I don't have the time ... or the energy ... to go to a butt-load of parties. Actually, let's be honest, I'm not invited to a butt-load of parties anymore.

3) I want people to give me candy for free all the time. Come to think of it, I want people to give me lots of things for free when I ask for it. How about booze, clothes ... How about someone just hands me a full time job when I ask for it! Yeah, give me all that ... and candy!

4) Standing in line, in the cold, to get into a crowded bar with sweaty people doesn't sound half as great as sitting pantless on your couch watching "Hocus Pocus."

5) I've already dressed up as Cinderella and Hannah Montana and a witch and a gypsy and a clown ... There is nothing else I want to be ... So why waste my time and my money?

*** Imagine there is an embarrassing picture of me as 

Hannah Montana here that I won't show to anyone ever ***

It's too spooky, too spooky. It's much too spooky for me. I can't look. It's too spooky for me. (Too Spooky For Me, Halloween Song)

Happily Ever After ... With A Cheap Ring

     I don't know about anyone else, but maybe I'm simply at an age where all my friends seem to be getting engaged or married, week after week. This year alone, I will have attended six weddings. SIX! So, like any person, going to all these weddings, and seeing all the beautiful cakes and invitations, has got me thinking about wedding dresses and bouquets and rings.
     And, let's be honest (especially all you ladies reading this), how many times have you looked at one wedding Pinterest board and found yourself in a downward spiral that lasted hours? Personally, I know that I get sucked in and the next thing I know, it's dawn, and I've been blown away by beauty ... and by the price of EVERYTHING. But, there's hope!
     A new study may offer some relief to those who want lasting marriages, and some money left in the bank after planning a wedding.
     According to the study, there are a whole slew of factors that can affect the likelihood your marriage will end in divorce, including income, religious attendance, how long you've dated, the price of the engagement ring, and the price and size of your wedding. While the findings on income, faith, and dating as contributing factors to the longevity of a marriage seem to be almost commonsense, the findings on ring and wedding spending were surprising.

Religious Attendance

C/O Randal Olson

Annual Household Income

C/O Randal Olson

Time Spent Dating Before Proposal

C/O Randal Olson

     When it came to the question of spending ... If you are planning on a happily ever after, I would suggest you shop around for a cheaper ring, and plan for a LARGE AND IN CHARGE, but cheaper wedding.
     The study found that spending over $2,000 on an engagement ring is significantly associated with a higher likelihood of divorce. Additionally, researchers found that couples that had weddings with 200 or more guests were 92% less likely to divorce than the relative average ... but 46% more likely to divorce if they had a wedding which cost more than $20,000. So, I guess you need to go big or go home ... but not spend a whole bundle?

     ... Based on the weddings I've been to lately, that is no easy task ... However, I am sure there is some way to make it happen ... I mean hasn't every Disney movie and love song taught us that love can conquer all? Even a super expensive platinum, three-stone diamond, antique ring ... and a super-elaborate, over-the-top, intimate wedding on a yacht? Right? Right. 

     Someone tell me I'm right (or else all my dreams will be crushed).

You are the one. I think I'm in love. Life has begun. I can see the two of us together. I know I'm gonna be with you forever. Love couldn't be any better. (When You Kiss Me, Shania Twain)

What's Wrong With The World Today: Activism Versus Slacktivism

     If you've been on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram lately, I'm sure you've noticed the increasing number of #IceBucketChallenge videos taking over your feeds ... Maybe you've even posted one ... But are you even aware of what the videos are even about?
     These videos are meant to bring awareness and raise money for various ALS foundations.

     Yes, that's right. You either accept the challenge within 24 hours and dump a bucket of ice water over your head or donate to an ALS foundation of your choice.
     Now I am all for a bit of fun and games, but how many people do you think are really donating towards ALS foundations? All this shenanigans seems a little self-congratulatory to me, just another way to get some likes on Facebook. I mean, why not donate either way, whether you choose to accept the challenge or not? It all seems like another giant case of SLACKTIVISM.
     I think as a generation, we (yes, I am no saint), have gotten pretty lazy when it comes to supporting social issues and causes that are supposedly important to us. We are happy to "like" a charity Facebook page, or retweet a celebrity when they are vocal about some timely issue, but we are so much less likely to actually go out and protest or fund raise for the very same causes.
     While there is a place for slacktivism, actual activism is also important for our generation. We want to change the world, but we cannot do it while continuously sitting in front of our computers and clicking and uploading - we need action, as well.
     It's time for you to get up and act and DO when it comes to the causes you care about ... So go ahead and do something, anything. Remember little things add up, and can help to make change.

If not us, then who? If not me and you? Right now, well, it's time for us to do something. If not now, then when? Will we see an end to all this pain? Oh, it's not enough to do nothing. It's time for us to do something. (Do Something, Matthew West)

You Can Have Your Own Night At The Museum

     If you are anything like me, ever since seeing "Night At The Museum," you've wondered if all those insane exhibits really do come to life at night ... Well, here's your chance, ladies and gentlemen!
     The Museum of Natural History is hosting its first ever ADULT-ONLY sleepover on Friday, August 1. The event is supposedly being capped at less than 200 people, and will feature special tours, food, music, and BEHIND-THE-SCENES ACCESS. What the behind-the-scenes access is ... I have no idea ... But I'm hoping it means something like this ...

     The event is pretty pricey, $375 per person (but you save $50 if you're a museum member), and you can get additional info here. 

     Some of the highlights of the evening include a three course meal, a midnight showing of Dark Universe, and a live animal exhibition. The event will run from 9:30 pm on Friday until 9:00 am on Saturday. 

     While every fiber in my being is pushing me to purchase tickets to this event ... It's a little out of my price range, but if you can afford it, I say go and enjoy ... and comment below and make me jealous with how great of an event I missed!

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone? They paved Paradise and put up a parking lot. They took all the trees and put them in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and half to see them. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone? They paved Paradise and put up a parking lot. (Big Yellow Taxi, Counting Crows)

Little Lessons We Owe To Walt Disney & His Giant EMPIRE

     As a female who grew up on Disney movies I can, without a doubt, tell you that there are little life lessons to be learned from each and every one of those storybook endings that occasionally filled my head with rainbows and butterflies and ice cream sundaes and all things good and fluffy ... And you may be thinking that these life lessons are all about love and romance and dancing under the stars and living happily ever after ... and that they only apply to girls under the age of 10 who are playing dress up in their bedrooms ... But you are incorrect, my friend! These lessons that I am about to drop like bombs can apply to everyone and anyone, so sit back and enjoy what I've learned from Walt Disney and his beloved characters (or at least from the ones in the original Disney Princess Collection movies ... because that's how I do).

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

      Lesson learned: You can be one of the prettiest, hottest, most powerful people in all the land ... But if you have an ugly heart and evil intentions, God will smite you and you will fall to your death and creepy vultures will come after your rotting dead body (seriously, Disney, this was freaking creepy!).
     Seriously though, in life, the way in which we treat each other, despite our so-called differences, is really all that matters. Being a kindhearted person, speaking well of each other, being generous and giving - those are the things that really matter. Not money and power and outward appearance. If those are the things you are chasing in life, take a moment to reevaluate why they seem so important to you (and then re-watch the ending scene of Snow White).

Cinderella (1950)

     Anyone who knows me knows that Cinderella is my all-time favorite Disney movie and I can't even bring myself to make jokes about the lessons you learn when you watch this movie and actually take in all the different aspects and begin to analyze all the different layers that make up the story-line ... That's why so many different movies and books and shows mimic Cinderella, in general ... so, getting off my soapbox, here are just a few of the lessons you learn from this amazinggggg movie.

     First and foremost, Cinderella teaches us to never, ever give up on dreams and to never give up believing. If Cinderella gave up believing, her Fairy Godmother straight up told her she would not have been able to come ... and then she wouldn't have gone to the ball or met the Prince and then the whole story would have been a cluster-fuck. So really, just don't stop believing. 

     So, on top of that pretty obvious lesson, we also see that you can't choose your family ... but despite that there will always be those people (or small animals) that will be around for you when you need help or a smile ... or a dress to be sown. Cinderella also shows us that keeping a good attitude is an excellent way to get through the tough times - even when she was scrubbing floors and doing laundry, she always had a song to sing and a helping hand to lend to her mouse friends.

     (In addition to all those lessons ... I learned that some women are more than willing to force their feet into uncomfortably small shoes for a rich man. But, on the other hand, the right pair of shoes can absolutely change your life for the better. Also, the outcome of your night, after midnight, totally depends on the circumstances you are in at the time).

Sleeping Beauty (1959)

     Listen here, the one lesson I learned from Sleeping Beauty is that if you try and protect someone from something too much ... you may just push that person right to it ... So then he/she will end up pricking a finger on a spindle, spellbound, and pretty much stuck like that until they're kissed by a random stranger who they end up marrying because they've been told it's true love's kiss.
     I'm not saying that as a society we should let people run wild with no rules or regulations ... I'm just saying that maybe loosening the reins on certain things would actually lead people away from said things, you know, making them less attractive or whatnot.

The Little Mermaid (1989)

     I must have seen this movie close to a hundred times growing up because it was my sister's favorite ... and absolutely not mine! I always thought King Triton was a bit of a bully, especially when he broke all of Ariel's prized possessions in that one scene when he finds out about Eric. Overprotective, much?! ... But it doesn't matter because the real lesson learned from The Little Mermaid actually has nothing to do with overbearing fathers but more with expressing your feelings. 

     Freakin' Prince Eric! I mean what was wrong with him in the movie? He clearly had a thing for Ariel. I know the girl gave up her voice for legs and wasn't able to verbalize her feelings to him, but she was sending all the right signals, and dude did nothing. Sebastian and his whole underwater team of musicians even sang a song while they were romantically out on the water ... and this guy still failed to kiss the girl (and don't blame it on Flotsam and Jetsam) --- Eric needed to grow a pair! He had plenty of chances.

     OK, so it's Disney ... We know they'll probably end up together in the end ... But in real life, the lesson is ... DO SOMETHING if you're even slightly interested in someone. Don't let the person who may or may not be the love of your life (or the love of your next few months) end up being the one who gets away because you think there may be something better out there (ummm, hello Prince Eric, Vanessa was Ursula in disguise) or because you're scared of getting hurt. This is life, people. It's not a Disney movie. Kiss the girl (or guy)! Put yourselves out there.

Beauty and the Beast (1991)

     If Belle could tell the world anything it would be this: read more and don't settle in life and love.

     While Cinderella has always been my favorite Disney movie, I'd have to say that as I've gotten older Belle may possibly be climbing the ranks as my favorite princess, overall. I mean she always had her head in a book, which I can absolutely appreciate. Everyone should read more ... more news, more novels, more comic strips. It doesn't even matter. They just should ... it makes for more clever conversation.

     And when it comes to settling, no one offers a better lesson than Belle. That girl had the town hottie throwing himself at her, proposing left and right, and she went for the large, hairy underdog ... who ended up being the most gallant, sweetest Prince a girl could ask for ... She didn't settle and ended up finding true love. She also gave us a little life lesson about steering clear of falling for people simply by their outward appearances. Gaston, while being super fly according to the ladies in the neighborhood (who, now that I watch the movie as an adult, may have been French hookers), wasn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box and Belle knew that she wanted more out of life than what he could offer - more than the cabin and kids and dogs and whatnot.

     Belle teaches us that material things don't really matter in the end, and that looks aren't everything - that they fade over time. I mean, come on people, cosmetic surgery is expensive. You need to find someone who is a complete package - someone who is attractive to you (whatever that may mean) and who also stimulates your brain - someone you can talk to ... where the conversation doesn't get boring. It'll just make for a happier existence.

Aladdin (1992)

     I can't be positive if it was Aladdin or this one blond kid in my elementary school who was my first crush ever ... But either way, Aladdin and I go way, way back and he definitely taught me a thing or two about life. Jasmine did too, and the rest of the gang ... I mean, come on, this is one of my faves. I think I wanted to be Jasmine for the first half of my life. I think my sister still wants to be her.

     I'd say there are two very important lessons we can take from Aladdin. First and foremost, as the Beatles said, money can't buy you love (neither can Genie's magic). It might get you 75 golden camels, 53 peacocks, and a whole zoo of exotic-type mammals ... But, in the end, what matters is if you are kind and trusting and can show your significant other a whole new world (::wink wink:: ... see what I did there). I'm not saying that money is unimportant in this life; obviously, we need it to get by and live our lives ... But you don't need loads and loads of it to be happy.

     The second lesson Aladdin teaches us is that if you lie ... it will come back and sting you in the ass! Remember Genie as he buzzes around Aladdin's head and the fairly simple, "TELL HER THE TRUTHHHHH!" Yeah, Jasmine wasn't very appreciative of Prince Ali's lies ... She forgave him in the end ... but this is Disney, sometimes real life doesn't end up like that. Jasmine showed us that you shouldn't pretend to be someone you're not ... because you may just end up being accepted for who you actually are ... and that's the greatest love of all.

Pocahontas (1995)

     So, the lesson learned from this wonderful little flick is pretty simple right? ... Don't be held down by the white man!

     No, no, no. Just kidding! But the lessons were simple in this movie ... Pocahontas pretty much puts the lessons into song lyrics for us, so why don't I just cut right to the point.

     Lesson 1: You can't step in the same river twice; the water's always changing, always flowing ... So, be like Pocahontas and make sure you give yourself a chance to see what's around the river bend, and don't settle for a Kocoum when a John Smith may just ask you to come to England with him ... But, also, be strong enough to say no when you have bigger plans for yourself.

     Lesson 2: Walk the footsteps of a stranger to learn things you never knew you never knew. As a culture, so many of us have become so self-involved that we fail to open our eyes to all the richness that surrounds us. We, meaning Americans, are blessed to be surrounded by different ethnicities, and cultures, and religions, and ways of life, yet we live in our own little bubbles. We stick by our so-called "people" for whatever reason (and I'm not saying that's a bad thing) but, in addition to that, I also want to be a part of an America where people talk and intermarry and where bridges are built and relationships are cultivated ... That's how understanding starts and how learning happens and how acceptance grows. Pocahontas and John Smith figured it out. We can, too. (Maybe a couple hundred copies of the movie can be dropped over the Middle East, too).

     Lesson 3: Maybe Pocahontas was a little young and naive but ... she did show us that maybe, occasionally in life there is love that is worth risking everything for ...

     

Mulan (1998)

     I should just go ahead and post the "Reflection" video here and be done with analyzing the intricacies of Mulan ... But why would I do that? I mean, it does give us one of the main lessons from the movie, which is to learn to love yourself for who you are, which is a lesson that I happen to love so GO MULAN! Everyone, let your reflections show who you are inside!
     Yes, great lesson ... But I actually want to focus on an additional one that Mulan teaches throughout the movie, which is to throw expectation out the window and do what feels right for you. We see the moment Mulan cuts off her hair and puts on that armor, she is making a decision to toss society's expectations for her as a young, Asian woman aside. She doesn't do this for fame or glory or because she thinks she'll meet the man of her dreams ... She does it because she wants to help her family and her father and thinks it's the right thing to do. She's doing it because the decision feels right for her, and that's what makes it so great.

     So there you have you it ... Life lessons learned from Disney movies ... Or at least the ones starring the original Disney Princesses.
     (Oh, and side note, Tinker Bell was actually also considered one of the original Princesses and then was kicked out the club ... So, here's an additional lesson for everyone --- you don't always get the one you want and jealousy is not cute! Sorry Tink but it's true).

     I know that Tiana from The Princess and the Frog, Rupunzel from Tangled, and Merida from Brave have been added as Princesses in the past few years but, honestly, I think the only one I've seen in its entirety has been Tangled so giving lessons from those would just be disrespectful to Disney ... Maybe now I have a reason to actually see Brave.

The past can't be rewritten, you get the life you're given. Oh, some pages turned, some bridges burned, but there were lessons learned. (Lessons Learned, Carrie Underwood)

20-Somethings, Just Listen Up and Live!

     Dear Millennials, Gen-Y-ers, 20-Somethings,

     Do me a favor and listen up ... Because I have a little something to say.

Stop reading advice columns from 20-somethings!

     ... And, yes, this is coming straight from a 20-something about to try and advise you.
     I know some of you are reading this, scratching your heads, and asking why ... and some of you are just thinking this is the rant of a cynical, jaded 20-something who feels the need to tell you what to do with your life just like every other 20-something out there (full disclosure: there may be a little truth to that) ... But the real reason I am writing this is because of one simple reason - those advice columns you love so much - 10 Trips You NEED To Take In Your Twenties, 36 Lessons I Wish I Knew At 25, 47.5 Reasons Your 20-Something Boyfriend Is Not Right For You ... All those advice columns, they're bull.

  
     ... And here's why.
     For one thing, I know that I have probably read hundreds of those "Dear 20-Something" columns and each time I click, I get conflicting advice. One person tells me to take the bull by the horns, another tells me to just sit and wait for life to start because the best things happen to those who wait. WHAT TO DO? WHAT TO DO? --- My opinion - YOU DO YOU! Don't let some random person writing a column in Kalamazoo, Michigan influence your decisions.
     If you think right now - in your 20's, in this moment - is a good time for you to pack your bags and fly to Brazil and explore the rain-forest, do it! If you think living at home with your parents and applying to 900 graduate programs is right for you, then do that. It's your life, make it about you.
     Second, I don't know when every 20-something in America (and around the globe) decided to go into the fields of relationship and sex therapy ... but it seems to have been in the last few years ... Because so so so many of the advice columns I read tell me what I am doing wrong in my love life (or lack thereof), what I can do better (or worse ... you know, if I want to lose a guy without actually initiating a breakup), what I am doing right, what men like, what women like, what your parents will like in a significant other ...
     SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY! 
     You're 20-something years old. You are at an age where you are able to make mistakes in life and love and bounce back from them! Don't let others tell you how or who to date. Don't let random people typing advice columns into your bedroom. Make your own love stories, hook-up stories, break-up stories! --- If anything, they'll be good conversation pieces later in life ... Or the makings of a great Hollywood movie. Who knows? If you want to try online dating, try it. If you want to bring a random person home every Saturday night until you're 35, do it (be safe, people). Just don't let others tell you that the choices you are making are somehow wrong. Those choices are only wrong when you feel like you need to begin to make new decisions about relationships, and love, and sex.
     Lastly, so many of these columns seem to say something along the lines of, "OH, now I'm 50-years-old and if I only did this or if I only knew this when I was 25 and a half, my life would be so much different." I'm not going to lie, some of the advice in those columns have good takeaways ... But life is life, people. No one knows where your life will go, or the twists and turns it will take. You may get on the subway tomorrow, slip and fall on your face because you decided to wear 6-inch heels, and meet the person of your dreams when he/she helps you up off your face. (Who knew Payless would have a place in your love story?) ... Or you may wake up tomorrow and get a call from your doctor saying you have 3 months to live.
     The point is ... live for today. There are only two days a week when you can't make something happen - yesterday and tomorrow - so live with no regrets ... and I'm not saying it's an easy to do. It's hard! So, so hard. You may lose friends, you may piss off relatives, you may spend some money you don't have right now ... But at least try, so that way you're not sitting around at 50 telling 20-year-olds that if you only did this or that your life would be so different ... Because it's not something they need to hear.

     Love,
     Nazzle Dazzle

I've loved, I've laughed, and cried. I've had my fill, my share of losing, and now as tears subside, I find it all so amusing, to think I did all that and may I say, not in a shy way, oh no, oh no, not me - I did it my way. (My Way, Frank Sinatra)

A Hard-Hitting Question --- What's Annoying About Local News?

     Local Fox station WNYW took a good, hard, humorous look at itself - and the local news industry, as a whole - last night during their 10 p.m. broadcast when reporter Joel Waldman covered the story we've been waiting forever to see: What's annoying about local news?

     I could personally write a list a mile long about the things that annoy me about local news, but that would be just like having a 3 minute stand-up for a 30 second story, so I'm just going to get to the point and post Joel's video ... and let you take a look for yourself.

     (Ugh ... for some reason the embed code is not working with me ... See the video here until I figure this out).

     So, there you have it, folks. The secret is out. The people who work in local news actually know that some of the things they do are gratuitous and annoying ... and simply for ratings ... But, when it comes down to it, who doesn't like to see puppies cuddling with babies and reporters in the rain (Oh Jimmy). 

Time's gonna make you a man someday and you won't want to go out and play with your friends, you'll just sit at home and watch the news at ten and the pubs will be closed and you won't have been with your friends ... (News At Ten, The Vapors)

America Is Beautiful, Ignorance Is Not

      I don't know why I am surprised each and every time I am let down by the stupidity and racism that exists in this country.

     Coca-Cola kept one of their Super Bowl commercials under wraps this year and after airing - almost instantaneously - bigoted, hateful comments began spewing into the social media sphere. The commercial in question begins with serene images of this beautiful country with America The Beautiful being sung in English in the background. Throughout the video, the song is then translated and sang by a group of young girls in a plethora of languages including - but not limited to - Spanish, Hebrew, Arabic, and Tagalog.
     In case you missed it, here is the official extended 90 second video from Coca-Cola.

     Personally, I was moved to tears by this commercial (... and by the entire It's Beautiful playlist on YouTube). That is how beautiful I considered this commercial, and the message behind it. But, not everyone shares my opinion, as illustrated by just a few of the following oh-so-evolved and intelligent comments posted to Twitter after the commercial aired.

(Hmmm, Erik, check yo'self. The song in question is not God Bless America. #PatrioticSongButNotTheSame.)
c/o https://twitter.com/erikvela09

(Oh, sorry @uscliffordmc ... The song isn't our national anthem either. #StarSpangledBanner.)
c/o http://twitter.com/YesYoureRacist

(Ahhh, there it is. I knew I'd see it eventually, when all else fails blame Obama for the marketing tactics of Coke. #MakesSense)
c/o https://twitter.com/nothin_NEW

(Ryun, don't downgrade the importance of using apostrophes when writing contractions. #ElementarySchool?)
c/o https://twitter.com/rconn216

(Buddy, I wasn't aware Taliban members were such huge supporters of Coke. #FuckStupidity).
c/o https://twitter.com/buddycanty31

(Nick, Pepsi's CEO is an Indian-American, Indra Nooyi. She is considered one of most powerful people in the world. #AreYouNowConsideredOneOfTheDumbest)
c/o https://twitter.com/morikis

     ... And the tweets go on and on and on ...

     Now I totally get it. While I do not agree with a single point made in any of these tweets, you're entitled to your own opinion. I will listen to your opinion. I will engage in conversation with you about your thoughts and opinions. Just know that if you agree with any of this garbage and you don't see the positivity and beauty that was in that commercial ... You are not someone that I want to associate myself with ... You are not someone I would want to raise my future, hypothetical children around ... I mean, honestly, in MY opinion, you are not someone who I really want in my country because you are bringing us down one stupid comment at a time ... But we really can't go shipping you all off to your own little homes on Bigot Island, now can we? That would be totally un-American. 

     I take pride in surrounding myself with people from all walks of life and all cultures. I come from a multi-ethnic, bi-racial, dual-religious family. I have friends of all different ethnicities and races. One of best friends is Cuban, another is Irish, another is Indian ... and that, to me, is an America I want to live in - one where relationships are cultivated and bridges are built between those that may be "different" in some way.
     The It's Beautiful playlist features some behind the scenes video from the making of the commercial, and honestly, these girls who sing America The Beautiful - these children - they give me hope for a better future. They are part of the reason I don't give up on humanity every time I see a tweet like the ones above ... Because when I hear things like this from the mouths of babes ...

America is one union but with a mix of cultures and it doesn't matter who you are, we should always be friendly to each other no matter what difference we have. --- Naya

 ... Not everything fits the same way but I think that's what makes it so special. --- Carolyn 

We have the right to be ourselves, we can speak whatever we want, we can pray whatever we want to pray and I just think that's pretty amazing and that we're lucky to have it. --- Naomi

It's so beautiful that we are all the same, we just have different backgrounds, and that's okay. We're all Americans and we can come together to make change. --- Sushmitha

     ... That is what gives me hope for the future of this country. 

     So, if you are one of those people who choose to be ignorant of all the beautiful languages and cultures that make up this country, that's fine - you do you. Just do the world a favor, don't spread your vile thoughts to our country's future leaders who really give me hope that they can all get along despite their differences.

And maybe someday, we'll figure all this out, try to put an end to all this doubt, try to find a way to make things better now and maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud. We'll be better off somehow, someday. (Someday, Rob Thomas)

Side Note: The It's Beautiful Coke commercial, in addition to featuring all those beautiful languages, was also the first Super Bowl commercial to feature a gay family. See their story and others here.

Side Note II: I feel like I'd be doing an injustice to society if I didn't make this clear for some people ... So, for the record, this is America the Beautiful, this is God Bless America, and this is The Star Spangled Banner (which is the national anthem of the United States).

Bazaar of the Bizarre

     About a week ago, the Amazon page for Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears went viral due to the extremely graphic (::read as HILARIOUS::) descriptions left by consumers about the laxative-like qualities of the product. Some buyers describe the product as "Satan's diarrhea," a "colon cleanse," and as "rectal razor blades." One of my personal favorite reviewers states that he/she plans to send a pack of these gummy bears to every member of Congress with his/her "deepest gratitude." (::sarcasm much::) Another reviewer vows to send a pack to every member of the Westboro Baptist Church.

     These reviews were so hilarious and gut-wrenching (like the product?) that I decided to go on a quest for additional craziness that the online marketplace must have produced by reviewers ... So without any further ado ... Here is a list of what I consider some of the best Amazon reviews (that I could find in a limited, laid-back, pretty lazy amount of time).

Amazon Products with Amusing Reviews

Canned Unicorn Meat

     The reviews for this mystical mystery canned unicorn meat range from disturbingly disgusting to shit-your-pants hilarious. 

     Personal fave. Reviewer T.R. writes, "I have rarely been happier to see a product like this. After hunting unicorns on my own for decades, I found it was neigh impossible anymore, not in that the crafty bastards are any less prevalent, but because one simply CANNOT find a virgin maiden anymore to entice the unicorn into her lap. This product of farm raised unicorn fill[ed] a needed void."

How To Get Your Wife In The Mood: 

Quick And Easy Tips For Seducing Your Wife And Making Her BEG You For Sex

     While there are only a few reviews for this book ... I personally found them amusing and extremely telling about men because (if I am making sweeping generalizations) judging simply by the reviews I read, apparently men would enjoy a good set of CliffsNotes for anything ... INCLUDING THIS. Seriously guys, read something. Anything. Even this.

     Personal fave. One Amazon reviewer wrote, in part, "Truth is there isn't anything earthshaking in this book but then again I'm kind of a jedi master when it comes to women so I'm doing all the right stuff already! ... if you asked a dozen females what they thought of the advice in the book, half of them would say they'd be happy if their man tried just ten percent of these ideas! The other half would want to talk about their diesel-powered toy collection, rubber suits, robbing a convenience store for drug money, and so on ..."

BIC Round Stic Ball Pen

     Ummmm, not necessarily something to be proud of, but since graduating high school and ending the whole school shopping shenanigans, I've five-fingered-discounted so many pens that buying a box just seems like a foreign concept to me. I mean, come people, let's be honest --- I bank at TD and used Planet Fitness for a good while ... their pens basically ripe their clothes off and scream "take me, I'm yours" ... I can't wrap my head around anyone who would need to buy their pens on Amazon ... or anywhere.

     Personal fave. Reviewer nxtfari writes, "These pens are like the one guy at work who's not all that smart, funny, handsome, or fashionable, but will always get the job done on time and without fail. I don't particularly enjoy using this pen, but at least I can always grab one and have it work the first time. And for the price, I can't bash them either."

Nicolas Cage Pillowcase

     As far as I'm concerned, I see nothing weird or creepy in people purchasing this product. Nicolas Cage is a godsend to Hollywood. I mean have you seen National Treasure? Or City of Angels? Or It Could Happen To You? ... I can't. I just can't.

     Personal fave. Reviewer cornish_breeze writes of the excellent purchase, "I purchased this realistic Nicolas Case pillow case with the intent of inserting my own pillow and storing it on my chair. I can now sit on Nicolas's face when ever the urge arises with out being put on some kind of register, unlike in real life where said register forbids me from entering a 1000 yard radius anywhere near Mr cages vacinity or 'The Plaintiff' as he is referred to on said document."

Uranium Ore

     I will now answer the question you've been asking yourself forever - yes, you can buy uranium ore on Amazon ... But I can't guarantee you won't end up on some FBI/CIA watch list, as well as some no-fly list ... So, personally, I'd stick to calling your friends in the chemistry lab at the local university when you feel like you really need the stuff ... 

     Personal fave. Donald E. Miller writes, "Finally, cheap effective birth control for men! I just make sure to keep my new good luck charm in my pocket with me for a day or two every week. So far, so good! No more letters from Maury Povich requesting my appearance on his show for paternity tests. I also think this works for S.T.D's. Has so far any way! So DEFINITELY BUY THIS PRODUCT!!!!!! Plus I have my own night light, I'll never hear, 'WRONG HOLE!' Again!"

     So there you have a it, just of few of some of the many strange and funny reviews I found on my quest for Amazon craziness. There is a world of strange on that site, though, so go check it out!

And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. (Iris, Goo Goo Dolls)